fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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