so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I need to align my fucking chakras
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
