hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it was like eating out sand paper
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
