I think I died a long time ago.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize