we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
