The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
