I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
