I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
