I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
