what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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