hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
