whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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