he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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