This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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