You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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