forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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