Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
