whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
