Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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