he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
