The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
