When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
