please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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