I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
