we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
