Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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