Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
