in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
