fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
