Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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