Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
