I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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