she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
