The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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