I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
