Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
