Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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