i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
