Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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