I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
