Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
