I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
