I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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