Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
