yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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