dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
