so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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