i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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