I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
