apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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