i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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