i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm like, not good at living.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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