oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
