I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I wish there were birth control emojis
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dear god my vagina.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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