It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
