Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
