he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
