Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
