JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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