just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she told me i tasted like america
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
