so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
