her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
