I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
