I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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